The theory falls something like this ”a woman’s weight may fluctuate all her life, but her feet will forever remain the same size! So no matter how fat or ugly or skinny or bloated she may feel that day, her shoes will always fit just right”
If you fall within that hypothesis…good for you.
My love for shoes is based on a different angle however. I’m one of those “lucky bitches” per say. I hear that comment hurtled at me on a regular basis in hushed tones when I pass, (or eat for that matter). Sometimes I get “anorexic” comments, and enquiries into if I “work out”.
And I’m lucky enough to announce… I have an overly healthy appetite thank you very much, I don’t like to sweat …and chocolate is my best friend. I thank my Genes (or is it Jeans?) for this luxury.
But with shoes… I suffer.
Whilst its fairly easy to fit into a size 30, or an extra small, my size 5 feet do not share my physiques compliance.
I have ugly feet! No lets rephrase that… I have UUGLY feet!!
Childhood accidents (read over anxious brother / superman complexes / i dare you games) have left my 10 toes (5 per foot I still might add) as what I rather unaffectionately term scarred and crooked sausages. I’m somewhat a test dummy, with titanium plates in my ankles for support. Because of this physical disposition I don’t go barefoot…ever, as my souls are far too sensitive, my ankles get stiff in the cold, I lack full rotational movement so I can’t do the cardio instructor (swivel your feet clockwise, now anticlockwise people… yeah…feel the burn) I feel the burn on a daily basis you twit. And even if I jump and land unevenly, my feet from my heels to my toes, and up through my ankles… will burn in pain!
There are just certain things, I cannot do! So I’ve adapted my lifestyle accordingly.
And while most of you can eye out a pair of Jimmy Choos with lust and wonder, and slip your perfect tootsies into them with ease and delight, my heel shopping trips are restricted to those with back straps, or sling backs are a prerequisite, so my feet wont fall out, closed toes are the only option so I don’t have to showcase the sausage feet to the world, heels under 2 inches are as high as I can go, so I don’t lose balance and topple down… while strutting on level ground, and heels sturdy enough to distribute my unbalanced weight without the inevitable ankle buckle form the starting point for me.
But this does not deter the deep-seated love and desire I hold for killer heels… in every design and colour! AMOB’s are great, but FMB’s rock my world. (I credit BAGLETT again for these perfect terms!)
So imagine my lust and ultimate joy, when I do find a pair that allows me to “make it work” as they effortlessly say in the frivolous yet fabulous world of fashion. Bring on the FMB’s.
I become addicted, I fall in love and then I have to make then mine!
To date, since I’ve unearthed my inner burning desire for all things glamorous to trudge through the streets and kick up dust, my equivalent of centre stage at Fashion Week… I have accumulated a ludicrous 73 pairs of heels.
Its ridiculous.. I’m well aware…
And so today, after 3 days of agonising, I have packed up some of my girls, 32 to be precise, and am ready to say a final goodbye. Some will be sold, others given away… I just hope that whoever is privileged enough to take you on … treats you with the love, respect, fabulous occasions and suave entertainment you deserve ladies.
I feel as if il losing a child...Treat their feet well my girls… I miss you all already!
FYI….
AMOB’s
Ask Me Out Boots - Much tamer than "Fuck me boots" because the heel is shorter and less spiky. It is merely an invitation to ask me out and see how it goes. While less sexy than FMB they are much sexier than "Ignore me boots" (IMB’s).
FMB’s
Fuck Me Boots - Tall, tight footwear worn to nightclubs, house parties, bars, and other social locations, by women who wish to send the "fuck me" signal. Generally, the boots extend to at least mid-calf level, usually, to the knee. Obviously, these boots are worn with clothing that does not overlap, usually, a short mini-skirt, furthering the "fuck me" signal.
